How to Pray

The Babylon Bee has shared how to pray and I thought I would share it with you (remember this is satire)…

Can God hear your prayers? After all, he’s really busy and there’s a ton of atmospheric interference in the way. Here are 8 proven techniques to ensure God will hear your prayers! 

Say “Father God” at least 328 times: This is just basic prayer vocabulary. Make sure and get this right when you pray. Also, make sure to say the word “just” at the beginning and end of every sentence.

Actually pray: Guess we should have started with this one. If you want God to hear your prayers, you actually have to pray, so don’t forget to do that.

Set the mood by hiring some Gregorian monks to chant in the background: If you can’t afford that, the Halo: Combat Evolved soundtrack works too.

Sprinkle in some hot gossip to make your prayer more interesting: Most prayers are essentially gossip anyway, so this shouldn’t be a problem.

Lock yourself in a closet where you can’t hear your kids asking for breakfast: If they persist just lock them in the basement for a while. They’ll be fine.

Make sure you’re wearing a novelty Christian T-Shirt: Can’t hurt.

Go inside a Hobby Lobby so the Devil can’t enter and distract you: Hobby Lobby is the only place on earth where the Devil has never set foot.

Reluctantly mumble “but your will be done, and not mine” at the end: Just to make sure you’re covered.

Finally end that bad boy with an “amen, and awoman,” and you have a prayer that is sure to be answered! You’re welcome!

One Comment on “How to Pray

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